If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
