Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
