I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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