We won't sleep together?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Pants are for mortals
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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