dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
