I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
