I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize