it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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