she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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