Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
