Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
