my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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