Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
