Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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