something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
