Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
