he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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