i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
