I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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