and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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