I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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