I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Everyone says I win the strip club
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
