I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
