Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
