you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize