I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
