I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
