Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize