this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
