i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
