On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
