I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
