the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
