Me. At least after what I've been through.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
