took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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