Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
