Got a toothbrush?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
