I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
