you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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