did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
