Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
