Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
