this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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