So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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