I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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