You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize