I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
