i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
