just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
