My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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