i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
