I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
