What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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