hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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