I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize